Hello my lovely readers!
I hope this post isn’t going to cause any sadness or disappointment to anyone receiving this; but it is something that I sadly feel I have to do.
I currently have a lot of things going on in my life.
I am working on self-publishing my own stories.
I am opening up an on-line bookmark shop.
I would like to look into becoming a freelance writer.
( These above tree things are what I would like to turn into what I do with my life, so they are very important to me. )
I work right now at a library.
I have schooling to finish and schooling to start.
I need to work to improve my sleep and my emotional state.
I have family members who are in need of my help and the help of other members in my family.
I have friends ( one in particular ) currently finding themselves in harder situations in life than I am right now, and it is my goal to help them get out of said situations to a spot in their lives where they can be happy again.
I have, aside from this, many other new and up-coming responsibilities to figure out and handle.
I have my own erratic anxiety and stress levels to try and keep at bay.
These are the duties, for the most part, that I currently face. Aside from these though, I also have some funner ( it’s a word now because reasons ) things that I’m doing.
I’m a book club.
I made a goal to read more books I own and classics this year.
I enjoy ( for the most part ) keeping up on my Instagram page.
I have a few shows to watch.
I am from this point on addicted to “Welcome to Night Vale.” There’s no turning back. The glow cloud won’t let me go.
I’ve also decided that even though I’m not the best at singing and dancing, I’m going to do more of it, because it makes me happy.
Who knows, maybe I’ll actually learn to dance.
There are also things that I would like to start doing, some for fun and some to help me feel better.
I would like to learn a foreign language.
I would like to make myself a couple of dresses.
I would like to do more yoga.
I would like to create fonts.
I would like to teach myself tarot.
I would like to finally learn to swim.
I would like to help my sister write her book.
I would like to sell short stories.
I would like to write more poetry.
I would like to learn self-defense.
I would like to fight my insomnia.
And on and on and on . . .
One of the things that I wanted to do, and still do, is write a blog that is interesting, fun, and that I post on consistently. I have tried very hard, I promise I have, to do that right now, right here, with this blog. I never met my own expectations with it. I beat myself up over it a lot. If I’m being honest, I still sort of am.
But part of me began to realize that even though this is something that I want to do, I want to do it so very badly, that it might not just be the right time for me to do it right now. I thought that I had to do this like an expert right from the start, that I had to be perfect, always and all the time, or else I had failed completely.
But this isn’t true.
I want to blog, I truly do. But that doesn’t mean I have to do it right now. And just because I started blogging and didn’t meet my own expectations for it, just because it took me starting blogging to realize that blogging might not be the thing for me to do right now, doesn’t mean that I failed in any sort of way.
On the contrary, 20/20 hindsight into this and into other parts of my life has shown me that with just about everything I do, I need to kind of do something for a little bit the first time around, to get used to it, to become familiar with it, to get comfortable with it and and be able to feel like I understand it. Then, after that little doing of the thing the first time, I can come back after and REALLY DO IT a second time.
It’s like wetting my toes, I guess. Testing the waters. ( There’s more than one way to learn to swim. ) Not really sure what I’m doing at first, but I need that time of not being sure to become sure of what I’m doing and how best to do it so that it works for me.
That is what this whole thing had been, I think. It’s been so much fun. I have enjoyed typing things up here. In fact, for what ever reason, it has always seemed easier to type here than anywhere else. I type faster, more sure of what I’m saying, perhaps because it feels like I’m just talking.
But I have to prioritize. I understand now that the reason I’ve been so unhappy with my blog recently is because I’ve felt I’m failing with it; because I don’t have the time to do all that I want with it. I feel like I’m half-hearting it. And I don’t like that.
The only way I can truly be happy with it is if I can do it in a time where I will actually have time to do it the way I want, how much I want, to make it as big and as great and as filled with content as I want it to be. I want to be all in or all out with it, because I don’t want it to be anything less than what I think it should be.
Right now, the answer is simply that I have to be all out. Just for now; not forever. Because I do still want to do a blog. So one day, I will. And it’ll be here, because I love this name. It’s a good one, I think, so I’ll keep it. And I’ll keep all the old posts because even though they might not be everything I wanted them to be, there is no reason to get rid of the past that shaped you.
I have other things, right now, in my life that need my attention.
So I’ll go to them.
And when I’m done, I’ll come back here.
It might be a few months from now or a year or two from now, or, who knows?, I might start feeling like I can do this the way I want to a couple of weeks from now, and I’ll be back. I may not know when, because despite having lived with myself for my entire life, I’m not always great at predicting myself. But I will be back. And I think that’s what matters right now.
Most of all, what matters, is that I’m finally ok with saying and doing this. I’ve admitted this you, and more importantly to myself. And I’m past beating myself up over it. I’m one step closer to not feeling bad about being human after all. I’m one step closer to feeling better about myself, where I am in life, and how I am.
And I think that’s pretty amazing.
So, my loves! I’m not telling you goodbye, because that’s not what’s happening here. This blog is napping, but when it wakes again, for it WILL wake, it will better and stronger than ever. Because so will I.
So my loves, I love you!
And don’t forget to love yourself too. This is the greatest lesson I can ever give you.
p.s. I’m still on Instagram! @yarnsfromelsewhere is my main, and my bookmark shop is @bookmarksfromelsewhere. Come over there with me; we’ll have so much fun! :)